Dear Hobby Lobby,
Some friends of mine are throwing a “Holla-Gay” party and stopped by your massive store to purchase a few tchotchke’s for the table. I am well aware that holiday festivities colors are traditionally red, green, silver, and gold, but we wanted a little something more, uh, GAY, which we all know at Christmas means “happy”. So I spent no less than 2 hours walking in a zombie state-of-mind past all the shiny things looking for rainbow ANYTHING. I did find “Quilling paper” that had rainbow-colored 1/8″ paper strips. If I was not dizzy and dehydrated from walking around I would have Googled what the hell “Quilling” is, but I didn’t have the strength.
The lack of items containing ROYGBIV made me positive that you must employ people to separate all the red things from the orange things, and the yellow things from the green things, and the blue things from the purple things. Sure there were funny fake Santa beards, and cute elf children that sit on shelves, but when it came to rainbow celebrations- NADA. I know that you think iridescent and tye dye count, but it doesn’t! Yes glitter counts, but everyone knows that.
You are missing out of some very festive shoppers coming to your stores and spending hard earned gay (happy) dollars on your stuff. Let me explain it to you in a way your bean counters might understand. There are 4.6% of Americans that identify as LGBTQ . There are LOTS more that don’t get counted. Half of those who were counted might be in the mood to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus by decorating the house with some rainbow colored baubles. That means 2.3%, or 7,491,100 people want to hang some rainbow ornaments on their tree, or wrap their gay (happy) present with some gay (happy) looking fabulous paper. If every one of those creative people spent a measly $50 (national average is $86, but the LGBTQ population is underpaid) that would be $374,555,000 extra dollars to make y’all holla!
Here’s my advice for next season. GO BIG! Bring in the Fab 5 to do a Queer Makeover for the Store. Reds and yellows, greens and blues, pinks and purples, ebony and ivory, are all together in perfect harmony. Hang a disco ball above that sad bell ringer out front and have some Drag Queens practice “death drops”. They can lip sync all the classics and the lyric, “Don we now our Gay Apparel” will finally make sense!!